I Was Not Confident. All I Wanted Was To Disappear.

Today, I want to let you in on a secret. 

I am still in the process of accepting and loving myself.

It’s been a lifelong struggle to feel accepted as I am. A lot of my feelings of unworthiness date back to 7th and 8th grade when I was bullied and ate lunch in the bathroom because I was so afraid of these girls who were once my friends and decided out of the blue that I wasn’t cool anymore. They wrote a list of the top 25 reasons we hate Laura, hung it on my locker so everyone could see, and even turned my best friend against me. 

I was not confident, and all I wanted to do was disappear. 

I ate lunch in the bathroom by myself because I felt unworthy. I hid at recess to avoid seeing these girls. To this day, I get triggered when I walk into a room full of women because of this past trauma. I sometimes act as the 13-year-old version of myself rather than 41-year-old Laura. WHY? WHY? Why do I still do this?

Because I’m scared that the real me will not be fully accepted. 

That is what I journaled on this week and invite you to as well.

Here are the questions to ask yourself:

What am I trying to hide? 

What part of my identity needs an upgrade?

Pen and paper. Let your mind wander as your pen takes over….and see where it goes. 

Your feeling of unworthiness is not a problem to be solved but a message to be deciphered. It's an invitation to go deeper, get curious, and explore the uncharted territories of your inner landscape.

And as you do, as you start to shine the light of your awareness on these dark corners, something extraordinary happens. You start to see that unworthiness is not the truth of who you are.

It's just a story, a narrative you've been telling yourself based on a lifetime of conditioning.

You begin to understand that your worth does not need to be earned or proven. You get to write the next chapter of how this story goes.

As this realization dawns, as you start to connect with the innate worthiness that has always been there, your light begins to shine brighter. You start to stand taller, speak more clearly, and live more boldly. You start to make choices and take actions that align with your truth rather than with your fears.

This is upgrading your identity. I am no longer someone who needs anyone else’s approval other than my own (this is BIG for me)

What’s your up-level in your identity? 

Today, my 12-year-old son Miles told me he’s no longer a baseball player who gets stuck in his head. He calls his shots and executes. He spoke his truth out loud.

And guess what happened?

He pitched a no-hitter. On his birthday. At the state tournament.

How about that for a message today? I FREAKIN LOVE IT

Yes, son, yes! Thanks for being my role model today. Call your shot. Say it out loud. You don’t need anyone else’s approval.

May your identity reflect your deepest truths and desires. GO BIG!

My oldest son, Miles, on his 12th birthday after his incredible game.

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Thanks for being here. I appreciate you.